Posted: October 24, 2010 in October
Tags: , , ,

Well since I am home now and I know have a chance in hell of any internet I am going to have to go back to old school stuff. I’ll have have the day and times or something. I know that I’ll be writing a lot this weekend, just because of my mood.

Things have taken a turn for the worst. I suppose that’s putting it lightly. I only keep hope because I am sure she’d never be into him. I hope. Maybe rejection will do him some good. I want to say I truly have a chance, but my mind tells me I don’t. My mind keeps saying I can’t compete and that he’ll never go for me now. That I am a retard and I’ve ruined everything when I kissed him. I am stupid for listening and hoping that I actually had a chance. I am a fucking dumbass.

I saw my ex last night. For a second I thought, “Wow, at college he’s so much better and how could I have ever dated a guy like that.” In all honesty I am amazed that I got my ex. At least I had someone for a little while. I a miss him too…At least when I was with him I felt pretty and wanted. Now I just feel…unattractive and stupid and really unattractive. I am actually very happy I came home. He said he wished we could have had this talk in person. I am very glad we didn’t, I would have mad him hurt me, physically. He always says not to scare him, that he’d fight back. I would have slapped him. I would have wanted him to hurt me. I am emo as hell. I am fighting hard not to burn or hurt myself just to feel something, other than cold and empty. Anyway it’s 11:30 on Saturday…I don’t even want to move. I don’t want to go back or talk or anything.


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