Just Because…

Posted: January 2, 2011 in January
Tags: , , ,

I can’t sleep and I am exhausted. Looks like another night of sleeplessness. I really think my lack of sleep is affecting my sanity. I really don’t even know what to write about. I am just going with it. 

Well it’s been about an hour since I’ve started this post. I didn’t expect to continue this post tonight. I even turned my laptop off because I didn’t know what to write about. I lied earlier when I said that. It’s what I write about all the time, the one that got away. I am sorry that he’s what I talk about so often, he’s just always on my mind.

I didn’t know why but a few moments ago I decided to go digging for the last mementoes I could possible find from that brief moment of happiness that was my long ago relationship, a t-shirt and a pair of jeans. But for me however, they are not just a t-shirt and a pair of jeans, they’re the outfit I wore when I last saw him and he thought the world of me. I’ve since retired this outfit not just because I am such a freak that I never wanted to wear them again after that day (no actually I tried to wear them often after that day…I suppose I was hoping they’d still have some luck in them…), but they are just old. I’d had both the t-shirt and pair of jeans for…well a long time before that day. To be very honest I actually was very nervous about wearing the jeans that day when I saw him. I was afraid that for some reason or another I’d do something stupid and the old pair of faithful jeans wouldn’t be up for the test.

Tomorrow…is going to be a bad day for me. It’s going to be the 3rd. Some time ago, I don’t care to mention how long ago it really was (it seems an eternity to me), the 3rd was the day we saw each other and for the first time we thought we needed each other. I’ve mentioned before that I felt terrible for pretty much chasing after him when it had only been such a short time since he and his ex had broken up. Perhaps if I had waited we’d still be close friends. I’ve also mentioned how I don’t care if we ever get together again, I just want to be able to talk  to him again like we use to, and then written that off as yet another lie, because I know I want to be more than friends.

I find myself asking myself this question, if we were to be able to talk like we use to and be good friends again would I be able to keep myself separated enough to just be friends? Honest and plain and true, no. I couldn’t do that. There will always be that part of me that will want more for him and I. Perhaps that’s why he refuses to let me get close again. He knows, well knew, me better than anyone. Even now I find myself telling him things I wouldn’t normally tell others. I trust him. For some odd reason I really do and I can’t take that trust away when he’s one of the most amazing people I’ve ever known.

Yes, it hurt that he broke up with me. Yes, I knew it wouldn’t last long. Yes, I knew that catching him after a break up was my only chance of ever being with him. Yes, I fooled myself into thinking I wouldn’t think twice about him because I was going to college. No, I didn’t intend to still be stuck on a guy that doesn’t really even talk to me much anymore. No, I can’t say that I love him because I honestly don’t know what love is. No, I can’t sleep because I know I’ll only see him in my dreams and it hurts. It still hurts. Maybe even worse than the initial break up. Just know that you want something that you can’t have is pain enough, but seeing it in your dreams makes the pain hurt so much more and renew those old wounds.

I wish telling him how I feel now would bring back some old spark for him of me, but I know it won’t.  Now the question that still stands is will I forever be scared to dream because of what I’ll see and what I could possible say in my sleep?

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