Downward Spiral

Posted: April 6, 2011 in April

I am starting to feel like an insomniac again. No insomniac isn’t the right word. I don’t sleep much, but I am still sleeping enough to get by. Maybe six hours a night. Maybe… No I think what I am feeling is just disappointment. Yeah disappointment fits this whole situation so much better. It’s a disappointment party and it seems like everyone is invited. My roommates, my friends and especially me. I am disappointed with my roommates, one in particular, I am disappointed with a few of my friends, a guy friend in particular there, and I am disappointed in myself for not being more…confident. I wish sometimes I just didn’t care about looking retarded, but I do. I don’t even feel like being a stupid schemer right now. I just want to crawl up into a little Alice ball and let everything just die away and fade into nothingness. If I just had that guy friend that I could just tell anything to I’d probably just walk up to him and hug him and start crying. And about nothing in particular, just to let it out. I want someone strong to rely on. Someone to be my rock when my life is nothing just raging storms…

  1. matt jammed says:

    have you ever sat back and taken a look at your life and realised you completely hate it. like nothing is going your way at the moment, but you haven’t realised how unhappy you were because you’re too caught up with being neck-deep in this bullshit and trying to keep yourself afloat. what do you do? i sometimes make lists. these are the things i have going for me. these are the things i dont. other times i say fuck the lists, and i just completely blow off a whole day doing whatever i want. watching an entire series of skins or dexter in one day, in my pj’s eating junk food and completely indulging myself in self-pity. but then i do seem to return back to this list even if it’s a ridiculous one:

    1) graduate
    2) post-grad in san fran/california
    3) surf all day an drink cheap beer and chow fish taco’s

    i don’t know im the kind of guy who needs some semblance of a structural point or goal to work towards. i find that helps.

    • alice says:

      I have actually looked at my life lately and I honestly hate it. I just don’t know where to go from here. I love to say that life will get better once I am out of college and have a carreer, but I don’t even have a clue. I like your list. Live for the simple things. It always seems to work the best. I also can’t help but wonder when the last time I was truly happy was…

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