Observational Analysis

Yeah, it sounds all big and important, but it’s really just me going through the process of of analyzing how a friend of mine thinks…

Okay. This guy says he doesn’t want a girl to wait for him on his mission, but he loves the idea that my future sister-in-law is still waiting for my brother to get back off of his mission. He wrote a song for his ex-girlfriend that he thought he was going to marry. They dated for nine months and then she called it off because he was going on a mission. It tore him up. He wants someone to send him cookies and stuff while he’s on his mission. To me this keeps screaming that he wants someone to show they care about him while he’s on his mission. He’s just scared to get official with the “girl waiting for him” bit because he’s still hurting…

Possibilities

Something has been no my mind for the past hour or so. What do I really want? Do I even know? On one hand I have a guy who I am friends with, he’s getting ready to go on a mission and he’s a great guy. And on the other hand I have looking for other guys and they’d probably all be a waste of my time…But then again I don’t know that either. Why did I have to meet this amazing guy at this point in our lives? He’s practically everything I’ve been looking for; funny, Mormon, a rocker, an all round good guy. Is this my little sign that I am supposed to choose finding a way to have him ask me to wait for him or continue on this little road of nothings?

A Beautiful Lie by 30 Seconds To Mars

Lie awake in bed at night
And think about your life
Do you want to be different?
Try to let go of the truth
The battles of your youth
‘Cause this is just a game
It’s a beautiful lie
It’s the perfect denial
Such a beautiful lie to believe in
So beautiful, beautiful it makes me
It’s time to forget about the past
To wash away what happened last
Hide behind an empty face
Don’t ask too much, just say
‘Cause this is just a game
It’s a beautiful lie
It’s the perfect denial
Such a beautiful lie to believe in
So beautiful, beautiful it makes me
It’s time to forget about the past
To wash away what happened last
Hide behind an empty face
Don’t ask too much, just say
‘Cause this is just a game
(Oh Oh
The end of the world)
Everyone’s looking at me
I’m running around in circles, baby
A quiet desperation’s building higher
I’ve got to remember this is just a game
(So beautiful, beautiful
It’s a beautiful lie
So beautiful, beautiful
It’s a beautiful lie
So beautiful, beautiful…)                                                                                                                             It’s a beautiful lie
It’s the perfect denial
Such a beautiful lie to believe in
So beautiful, beautiful it makes me
It’s time to forget about the past
To wash away what happened last
Hide behind an empty face
Don’t ask too much, just say
‘Cause this is just a game.

I Am Not Okay by My Chemical Romance

Well if you wanted honesty, that’s all you had to say.
I never want to let you down or have you go, it’s better off this way.
For all the dirty looks, the photographs your boyfriend took,
Remember when you broke your foot from jumping out the second floor?
I’m not okay
I’m not okay
I’m not okay
You wear me out
What will it take to show you that it’s not the life it seems?
(I’m not okay)
I’ve told you time and time again you sing the words but don’t know what it means
(I’m not okay)
To be a joke and look, another line without a hook
I held you close as we both shook for the last time take a good hard look!
I’m not okay
I’m not okay
I’m not okay
You wear me out
Forget about the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took
You said you read me like a book, but the pages all are torn and frayed
I’m okay
I’m okay!
I’m okay, now
(I’m okay, now)
But you really need to listen to me
Because I’m telling you the truth
I mean this, I’m okay!
(Trust Me)
I’m not okay
I’m not okay
Well, I’m not okay
I’m not o-fucking-kay
I’m not okay
I’m not okay
(Okay)

Dear Pandora

Why’d you have to make me so freaking shy?!?! Well shy around cute guys. Honestly I think I’d be so much better off if I didn’t just freeze around cute guys. I saw him tonight. It was just him and I on the sidewalk. No one around for some reason. I could have said hi at least. But no. My mind freezes and I look at my feet.

I am kicking myself for not saying something anything. I could have at least looked up and smiled at him. But no. It’s much too late to wish I did something. Too little and too late.

So here I sit alone. It’s quiet except for my music, but even it’s not very loud. The aroma of my cocoa crème tea feeling the air. I love it. Well all except for the alone part.

Why do I feel so…small in this world now? Without my friends here I just feel small and quiet. Like the smallest insect imaginable.

I miss him again. The last man to make me feel something that was real. Sure it’s been so long since then, but it was the only real thing in so long if ever. Why can’t I just except that it was a summer fling and nothing meant to be lasting? I almost wish I could just forget, but then would I lose the only real memory of love and longing I have?

You Never Did Listen…

I told you once I’d rather shoot him than let him back into this dorm. I guess you didn’t take me seriously. I won’t shoot him. I don’t have a gun.

I just wish you would think ahead and realize what will happen. You must want to learn on your own, but you’ve gone through this before. You know how it will end and so do I. I didn’t feel sorry for you before, I won’t this time either.

Post Spring Break

Well I am now  back at college and it’s kind of nice. It’s odd that this feels like my home. I just feel like this is the place I should be I suppose. But college is my life now. I just wish there were other things besides classes and my roommates in my life. Even though my roommates are perhaps my best friends in this part of my life, I still feel so very different and separate from them. I guess it’s like something is missing from my life.

Funny that this is the way this post turned out. I meant to write about how it feels so weird to be back from spring break and how I don’t want to be in classes again already, but we can’t all have our way I suppose. I really need to find a job. I need to know that next year I’ll be able to come back to college, but most of all I need to have somewhere to go this summer. If I just go home I’ll be helping on the farm building fence. That is such a waste of my time when I’ve been told and lectured time and time again to get a job.

Oh and bets are on again for when my roommate’s crazy ex boyfriend proposes to her. 🙂

Absolute

I heard tonight a lady say to a small crowd that in the church you have an instant set of friends when you move somewhere else. I don’t think so…That’s not absolutely true. Sorry Dane Cook flashback. “They’re not absolutely free!” No matter where you go people always are slow to get to knowing you. There is nothing like where you’re from. Sure sometimes there are things you don’t want to remember, but it’s better to have friends than be considered a freak…

Lucky

I am starting to realize how lucky I really am. All my friends here in college have had terrible things happen to them. Rape, drugs, things I can’t imagen. How did we find each other I wonder some times. But I am glad I have them. Life would be so off for me without them.

I Wonder…

Am I the same person that you knew in the summer? It’s been a winter and a fall and I don’t know if I am still the person you loved during the summer. Or if you even loved me then. I don’t even know if you’re the same person from then…I miss the summer…